


the stars are watching, too

by colourmeblue



Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21681220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourmeblue/pseuds/colourmeblue
Summary: Beau’s never been able to study Yasha’s face at such length before, and she finds herself drinking in every single detail. Her long, tangled hair fans out across the pillow, and her face still has smudges of blue war paint on it. Her breathing is even, and Beau continues to watch it. She counts the seconds between breaths, and eventually finds her own eyes beginning to droop.Right before she falls asleep, Beau swears she hears thunder in the distance.(Spoilers from E86.)
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595863
Comments: 17
Kudos: 364





	the stars are watching, too

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea in my head since E86, and then I watched Ashley break down Yasha’s thoughts on Talks and oooft. Yeah.

When the Nein gets back to Zadash, they are broken and bruised and exhausted. They’re also alongside one member that they didn’t have with them before.

Beau suggests going to the Cobalt Soul so they can rest comfortably for the night without having to pay, but it only takes two seconds for her to realise that Yasha returning there will be… difficult. Still, the Archive is one of the safest places they can be, and it’s better than all of them squishing into some rooms at an inn. They all agree on doing so, as long as they can get Yasha through the door.

Beau spends the better part of twenty minutes inside the Archive while the others wait out front. She manages to convince Zeenoth and the other monks that Yasha is no longer a threat, and her captor has been defeated. Twice. The old Beau certainly wouldn’t have been capable of it, she knows that much.

They’re reluctant, and Beau doesn’t blame them, but she wants Yasha to be able to make amends. There’s an opportunity there that she deserves to have.

When Yasha is invited inside, her shoulders are hunched, and Beau can see Zeenoth and the other archive members almost cower in her presence. She knows Yasha must hate it, so she stands close by her as she slowly approaches, making sure to support both sides. Beau wants her to know that at least one of them isn’t afraid of her. 

Yasha doesn’t say anything, but as she stops in front of Zeenoth and the monks, she immediately kneels in front of them. Beau’s eyebrows raise in surprise, as Yasha unsheathes both of her swords, one by one, and lays them at Zeenoth’s feet. It’s clear that Zeenoth isn’t sure what to do with this gesture either, as he stands with his mouth half-open.

Yasha is constantly surprising Beau. Even she wasn’t expecting anything like this.

Beau’s almost proud when Yasha stands again, returning to full height. A step in the right direction, which didn’t require any prompting or advice whatsoever. Yasha’s clearly a woman on a mission to make things right again, and Beau wants to help her in any way she can.

\------

Beau immediately notices Yasha’s look of surprise when they enter her room for the first time. It’s rather empty, as they still haven’t furnished, but that only makes it look bigger and more extravagant. Beau almost feels uncomfortable in here - it reminds her of home. Still, having the Nein with her helps, because they’re certainly not reminiscent of her life back in Kamordah.

As the group wanders in, they drop off their bags and various belongings. Predictably, Jester and Nott immediately leap for the bed. 

“I was thinking we should give Yasha the bed tonight,” Beau says. She'd been thinking about it. She wants Yasha to feel welcome. “She’s been through enough and probably been sleepin’ on nothing but dirt for two months.”

Yasha turns towards her with a frown. “No. You almost died, Beau. You need rest.”

“And you don’t?” Beau raises an eyebrow. “Look, you can argue but… my room, my bed, my rules.”

“It’s huge, I couldn’t possibly…”

“ _We’ll_ join you,” Jester adds, gesturing between her and Nott. “We’re small.” She pauses for a second, looking towards Beau. “And so will Beau. You’re right, she’s hurt.”

“Uh…” Beau scrunches up her face. This isn't what she had in mind. “Not necessary.”

“Everyone’s happy that way!” Jester beams, clasping her hands together as she looks at Beau.

Beau wants to argue. Really, she does. But she still hasn’t slept in the bed yet and she really doesn’t want to give up an opportunity to. Especially when this may be their last night in Zadash for a while. 

“Uh. Sure, okay.”

The four of them piling on to the bed isn’t as awkward as Beau thought it would be. The bed _is_ huge, and really, they only need to fit three of them while Nott curls up at the foot. They leave the boys to situate themselves on the floor as Jester squeezes into the middle of Beau and Yasha. It’s certainly an interesting arrangement, but Beau is already glad Jester made her do it. She misses sleeping in a bed, and this kind of comfort is addictive.

Despite being exhausted, Beau finds it very difficult to fall asleep. The others don’t seem to have the same problem, and Jester and Nott pass out almost instantly. She's glad they're able to so easily with Yasha present, and nobody is really as afraid as she thought. Yasha takes a little while longer to drift off, understandably. Beau tries not to pay too much attention to her as she lies on her back and stares up at the ceiling. Yasha doesn’t say anything to her, but eventually passes out along with the others.

Beau tosses and turns for what feels like hours.

Eventually, she finds herself on her side, facing Jester and Yasha. Jester’s a little further down the bed, curled up snugly between both of their abdomens, so she has a direct line of sight to Yasha’s face. Yasha’s expression is so calm and serene, Beau’s sure she’s never seen anything like it. She’d like to think the Stormlord is helping to chase any bad dreams away.

Beau’s never been able to study Yasha’s face at such length before, and she finds herself drinking in every single detail. Her long, tangled hair fans out across the pillow, and her face still has smudges of blue war paint on it. Her breathing is even, and Beau continues to watch it. She counts the seconds between breaths, and eventually finds her own eyes beginning to droop.

Right before she falls asleep, Beau swears she hears thunder in the distance.

\------

Beau wakes to the sound of pouring rain.

It’s still dark, but the room is briefly illuminated by a flash of lightning, and she’s surprised that everyone else still appears to be sleeping.

However, when she looks over, she finds that Yasha is missing and Jester has spread out a little in the empty space.

“Ah, shit.” Beau sits up immediately, rubbing her eyes and looking around the room. Peering over to where Yasha dropped off her belongings earlier in the evening, she’s surprised to see that the Skingorger still sits there beside her new breastplate. She relaxes a little.

Yasha hasn’t left. Not yet, anyway.

Beau tries to lift herself out of bed, before finally remembering that she was recently stabbed. She winces, air escaping through her teeth. She doesn’t want to wake anyone else, so she places a hand over the bandaged wound and stumbles over to the door, quietly. 

It takes her a good five minutes to leave her room and make her way downstairs. She highly doubts Yasha would just be wandering around the archive in the middle of the night. Plus, the storm outside gives Beau all the information she needs about Yasha’s whereabouts.

Sure enough, when she exits the building, Yasha’s unmistakable figure can be seen across the street. She has one sword - the Magician’s Judge - sitting at her side. Likely just in case anyone tried to mess with her. It’s raining far too hard for anyone to be outside, and she doesn’t see another soul out there.

Beau crosses the street slowly, using her staff as support. She’s drenched with rain the second she steps outside, but she’s more concerned about Yasha as she approaches her.

“So, I give you my bed and you’re not even gonna sleep in it?”

Beau stands, leaning with the staff, as Yasha looks up at her. Her eyes are somehow filled with sorrow, but at the same time, it’s like peering into a void. In an instant, she feels horrible. Thunder rolls by.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shit, no. I was joking,” Beau replies awkwardly. Already off to a great start. “I just… I couldn’t sleep knowing you were out here somewhere, y’know?”

If it wasn’t for Yasha’s tiny nod, Beau would think she’s completely ignoring her. 

“Are you okay?” Beau feels like an idiot the moment the words leave her lips.

“I… I don’t know.”

“Yeah, no, stupid question, huh?” The question allows silence to hang in the air.

Beau shivers involuntarily just as lightning flashes in the sky. The combination of the wind and rain is freezing her to the bone. Her human body is certainly not as accustomed to this as her non-human compatriots. 

Despite staring off into space for most of their conversation thus far, the shudder is something that Yasha does notice. In a brief moment, she shrugs her cloak off her shoulders and holds it out to Beau with one hand.

Beau stops in her tracks. In an instant, she’s transported to the day they first met. She can see herself making fun of Yasha for holding on so tightly to her cloak and not letting her use it. Yasha picking her up over her shoulder because Beau was being an asshole. Yasha putting a price on her own arms. Back when things were simple. When Molly was still around. But, somehow, even then, Yasha had already been through so much.

The cloak is different now, the pieces of her previous outfit lost to time. Still, it’s the gesture that counts, and it hits Beau all at once just how far they’ve come. Together and apart.

She can’t help but smile. “Your cloak.”

For a split second, she swears she sees a hint of amusement in Yasha’s eyes. “Are you going to take it?”

Beau takes it from her and wraps it around her own shoulders. It’s incredibly warm. Smells a little like an open fire. She moves to sit next to Yasha, and it takes her a moment because of her injury. Again, it’s something Yasha notices immediately. Once she’s situated, Beau stares out into the rain.

“For a second, I thought you’d run again.” Beau wouldn’t blame her. Not after everything. But… she’s glad she didn’t.

Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Yasha shake her head. “No… not this time.” There’s a heavy pause. “I couldn’t sleep. Being out here…”

Beau gets it. The storm is the only thing that makes her feel comforted right now. “He really came through for you, huh? The Stormlord, I mean.”

Yasha nods. “He did. For a long time, when I spoke to him, I thought I was speaking to nobody.”

“He’d be proud to have you fighting for him.”

“I’m... not so sure.”

It’s not very often that Beau would admit that her heart is breaking, but it is right now for Yasha. She could waste her energy being angry at her, but in truth, it wouldn’t get them anywhere. Thinking that any of this is Yasha’s fault is foolish. Beau doesn’t believe for a second that Yasha was in control of any of her actions. She’s smart enough to know better.

When Beau looks over at Yasha, she can see her large fist is clenched and her shoulders are trembling slightly. “If I had…” She sucks in a breath. Beau still isn’t used to seeing her exhibit so much emotion. “If I had _killed you_ , then…”

“Yasha-” Beau tries to interrupt, to no avail.

The trembling in her shoulders has spread to her entire body, and Beau can’t tell if it’s because she’s upset or angry. Her breath comes out in shudders, and it’s almost as if the thunder gets louder along with her emotions. “There are many things I can never forgive myself for, but that… That would have been too much. I would not have come back from that. After everything...”

Beau shifts slightly so that her body is angled towards hers. There’s a certain weight to Yasha’s words that she can’t ignore. “Yasha. Look at me.” 

Getting a closer look at her, Beau can see the slightest hint of tears in the corners of her eyes. While Beau had come out here expecting some sort of conversation about what happened in the cathedral, she didn’t expect… this. Such an outpouring of emotion that she’s never seen before. In a way, she’s almost honoured that Yasha trusts her this much. Under different circumstances, she might be able to see the positives.

She doesn’t turn all the way, but Yasha does glance in her direction.

“I’m right here. You didn’t kill me, and if I had died… that wasn’t you. That was Obann and his sick plan to fuck with you. I _know_ none of that was you, because you wouldn’t be like this right now if it was.”

Beau’s not the best at comforting. She never has been. Still, she reaches out and places a hand on Yasha’s arm. Making a physical connection is all she can think to do. Beau’s not sure she’s ever initiated such a gentle touch with her before. 

“You’re the strongest person I know. Which is saying a lot, because we travel with and have met some tough fuckers.” Beau smiles slightly. “I know you need time to heal, which is okay, but I forgive you. _I_ forgive you. You think you don’t deserve it, and trust me, I understand what that feels like. But if you wanna stick with us, then we’ll stick with you.”

Yasha spends most of Beau’s speech staring out into the rain, attempting to control her breathing and shaking. Beau can see she manages to get most of it under control, except for the tears. They begin to fall down her face delicately, and Beau’s expression softens.

“Ah, fuck. Yasha.” Beau’s eyes soften, and all she wants is a way to make it better for her. Yasha doesn’t deserve this kind of pain and suffering. Her experiences with the Mighty Nein have been crucial in bringing these compassionate feelings out of her. The old Beau certainly wouldn’t be capable of this. 

“I drove a sword through your body without hesitation and the whole time I was screaming inside my own head.”

Beau bites her lip. Hearing about Yasha’s experiences being under mind control firsthand makes her shudder, but she knows it’s necessary. More than anything, she _wants_ to understand so she can help her. Words fail her, and she decides to sit up straight and begin to unwrap the bandage around her abdomen.

Yasha immediately turns to her, tear-filled eyes growing concerned. “What are you doing?”

“Just…” Beau trails off, trying to concentrate on unwrapping the bandage without hurting herself. Once it’s gone, she drops it to the side. 

The scar is huge - larger than any one she’s ever had before - and deep. It’s red and fresh and inflamed, despite Caduceus and Jester using their healing abilities on it. It doesn’t bother her, but she can see that Yasha is averting her gaze away from it.

“This is what Obann did to me,” Beau tells her, as if she’s explaining the wound to someone who has never seen it before. “He picked up a sword and tried to kill me with it. The motherfucker didn’t succeed, and _you_ , Yasha, destroyed him so that he can never hurt anyone again.”

Yasha’s still crying, and her eyes lift to meet Beau’s. Beau shuffles closer, reaching out and grabbing both of Yasha’s large forearms with her hands. 

Beau’s voice drops lower. “I know you’d never hurt me. So please don’t hurt yourself.”

Yasha nods. It’s ever so slight, and Beau could’ve blinked and missed it, but she still does it. “I don’t deserve you or your kindness, Beau.”

Beau can’t help but smile. “First time anyone’s ever said that to me, so, guess we’re both growing here.”

Yasha’s arm slips out of Beau’s grasp and tugs the cloak snugly around Beau’s shoulders once more. In all the movement, one side seems to have slid off her shoulder. Her eyes remain focused on that task while she speaks. “Well, I think you’re special.”

Beau’s heart dips for the briefest of moments. “That makes two of us.”

The tears are slowing now, and without even thinking, Beau starts to reach towards her face to wipe away any remaining tears. There’s the slightest flinch from Yasha, which causes Beau to freeze in place. Worry flickers in Yasha’s eyes before murmuring, “Sorry.”

“No… I wouldn’t- Just. Fuck. That was stupid.” Beau remembers Jester describing Obann touching Yasha while she was scrying, and… yeah, she needs to be more careful.

Yasha shakes her head. “There is something I… if you’re comfortable.”

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Beau isn’t sure what to expect from Yasha, but if she’s being honest with herself, she trusts her a lot more than she trusts other people. She knows Yasha. _This_ Yasha. There’s a sincerity and softness to her that she hasn’t found in anyone else she’s met. There’s a joke in the back of her mind about stabbing someone being the ultimate form of intimacy, but it being in such poor taste makes it dissolve.

Yasha moves slower and more tentatively than Beau has ever seen her. She moves from a seated position to on her knees, facing Beau. Beau cocks her head curiously before realising she’s being pulled in for a hug. Yasha’s arms completely envelope her torso, and she’s impossibly warm and gentle and her hair is soft as it brushes Beau’s cheek. Yasha’s face is pressed into Beau’s shoulder, almost as if she’s submitting herself to her, and Beau reaches around her back, holding her steady.

Beau truly never knew what she’d been missing. It’s wonderful and secure in a way she can’t describe.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Beau murmurs gently, not wanting to scare her away with too many words.

“I’m glad you’re here, too.” It’s the softest whisper that Beau has ever heard from Yasha, and again, her heart jumps. She tries her best to ignore it. This isn’t about... whatever feelings may be bubbling under the surface. At least, that’s what she tells herself.

They remain closer than they were before when they pull away. 

Beau pauses for a long moment before reaching into the pouch that sits on her belt. Rustling around in there for a little bit, she pulls out a folded piece of paper. She holds it out towards Yasha, who looks at it curiously.

Yasha takes the paper and opens it, and her expression softens once more. “Beau…”

“Yeah, I know. Didn’t really think I was the sentimental type either.”

Yasha smiles, and Beau considers that a win. “Well, you do have that tattoo.”

It’s the first time she’s mentioned it. Beau ducks her head. “I… wasn’t sure how you’d react to it. I don’t know. I wasn’t sure if it was my place or not.”

Yasha’s eyebrows furrow. “He had an impact on you. That has nothing to do with me. To be honest, I’m… glad someone is still remembering him.”

Beau looks over at the paper in Yasha’s hands - the well-decorated circus flyer that Molly had handed her the day they all met in Trostenwald - and smiles. "You can keep that."

The next smile that appears on Yasha's face immediately makes it worth it. Yasha pulls out the familiar worn book that Beau has seen so many times before, and tucks the flyer in between the pages.

Beau lets the moment sit for a little while, before looking back up at Yasha. “D’you wanna come back inside?”

She can see the conflicting emotions in Yasha’s eyes. “Being in there after a last time is…”

Beau frowns. “Right. Yeah.” She can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to. “I don’t… really want to leave you alone.”

Yasha’s mouth twitches. “I don’t want to be alone.”

There’s a finality in her tone that makes Beau think she doesn’t just mean now. While taken aback by it, Beau could get used to this raw honesty from Yasha. “Then I’m not going anywhere.” Beau can see Yasha’s shoulders visibly relax and she smiles once more, leaning over slightly to bump arms with hers. “You’re okay, Yasha. You’re safe now.”

Yasha’s smile is as faint as can be, and her voice is even fainter. “Thank you.”

It’s probably the first time in her entire life, but Beau wants to keep talking. Like they used to do when just the two of them were on watch together. But it’s very late, and Yasha is emotionally exhausted and vulnerable, and Beau doesn’t want to start a conversation that Yasha doesn’t want to have.

So she just sits with her, their arms brushing together every so often. They wait for the rain to stop, and the sun begins to rise, peeking through the clouds.

Beau turns to her, a look of awe and contentment in her eyes. She’s glad to have her back.

**Author's Note:**

> This is not properly proofread, so forgive me.


End file.
